Tainted Drinks
by Knightryder007
Summary: A series of oneshots involving our favorite drink, Energon! Rated M for alcohol and drug references, adult themes, rude humor, graphic smut and strong violence.
1. Cooking With Wang

**The first oneshot of my "Tainted Drinks" series. Bayverse. Wang cooks some Chinese-style food for the NEST team. Post-DOTM continuity. In this fic, Wang is somehow saved from Lazerbeak.**

**Tainted Drinks I: Cooking With Wang**

"Hey, Lennox. Got anything to eat on you?"

"No. Sorry, Epps."

After a rather rough battle with the Decepticons, Epps was almost dead from exaustion and hunger. He flopped down on a silver metal box containing bits of a dead 'Con, and groaned. His ears rung from the explosion-filled battle, and his eyes could still see black spots from a rather nasty blow to the side of his head. He had saved a few civillians from the Decepticons, one whom was being kept in by NEST for information regarding his alliance with the demon bird, now in the very box Epps laid on. He hit the box, and pushed himself up. Shaking his head, he made his way to the interrogation room to watch over the stout office-worker with Lennox and a few others.

"Oh, Hi, Mister Apps." said Wang in a very Asian accent.

"Epps. EPPS."

"That's what I said."

"You said Apps. Now shut up." The last thing the starved soldier needed was a face-off with this guy.

"Calm down, Epps. You're acting like an old grouch."

"I will if we can find something to eat! Also, my head hurts."

"Stop whining." ordered Wang.

"YOU SHUT UP!" yelled Epps.

"Epps, calm down. We only have to watch this guy for an hour. Then we can go. You can come to my place. Annabelle wants to see you again."

Defeated by the fact Lennox's wife was an excellent cook, and that Annabelle would be there to greet him, Epps shut up. In his job, it was nice to see an innocent individual untainted by the throes of the adult world. Epps snarled as his stomach began to rumble. Wang, being a smart-ass, spoke up.

"Maybe if you let me use the kitchen, I could cook something for you."

"No. I don't want you making a flamethrower or something like that in there. You can stay..."

"...and keep you annoyed and hungry, or if I can use the kitchen, I can make a free chicken dinner, and you can be not hungry."

"Chicken dinner...No." spat Lennox. Epps objected.

"Look, if someone offers to make you a free meal, you don't say no, Lennox!"

"He works for the Decepticons!"

"He was FORCED to work with the Decepticons!"

Lennox sighed. He sat down at the table, and started talking to Wang.

"Look, if you can shut up Epps here, then I'll let you do anything. But if you can't..."

"I can." said Wang, staring daggers into Lennox's eyes through his cracked glasses.

"Come on, Lennox. FREE FOOD!"

After a moment, Lennox gave up. "Fine. But only if I can supervise you the whole time."

Wang smiled.

As he was lead past a room filled with silver metal boxes, Wang asked Lennox a question.

"What are in those boxes?"

"It's classified."

Wang's question was quickly answered when he saw a young Caucasian man look in one of the boxes. A black metal wing was pulled out by the youth, all while the young man muttered something about a 'demon alien bird'. Wang watched with interest. He had seen that thing before. And the metal wing. Lennox hurriedly hustled him past the room.

As Wang was thrown in the kitchen, Lennox yelled at him:

"Cook."

Wang looked around. His father was a great Chinese chef, and the culinary knowledge had rubbed onto him. He quickly went over to one side and opened the fridge. He pulled out a large chicken, and the pulled out some vegetables from the pantry. He grabbed some soy sauce and some spices, and began mixing a marinade with the spices and soy sauce. Epps and Lennox were waiting in the doorway. The smell of the marinade had already attracted one person. Sam. The young man Wang saw. He walked into the kitchen nonachantly and looked over Wang's shoulder.

"What are you making?"

"Broiled Chicken marinated with Chinese Marinade."

"Oh." As Sam walked off, Wang saw that he had left something. A vial of glowing blue liquid, and a part of the metal wing. Wang moved over to the items, and quickly scooped them up. Luckily for him Lennox and Epps had not seen him. He opened the small vial, and had a gander at the liquid inside. He carefully dipped his finger into it, and recoiled at the small shock discharged at him from the liquid. Having a quick mull over of the liquid, Wang emptied the vial into the marinade, causing sparks to flare up from it. Wang looked over, and was relieved to see that Lennox had not seen the act. Looking at the wings, Wang snickered and chucked them in as well. The phrase his father always said rung loudly in his ears:

Us Chinese eat everything.

And true it was. Hopefully his 'victims' would appreciate the philosophy as well.

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Sitting down at the table, Epps started to drool. The plate of chicken in front of him smelt like absolute heaven, and also looked the part. Sam and Michaela had shown up as well, as well as General Morshower and others. Lennox was quite wary of the food in front of him, and was quite cautious of Wang, who sat at the end of the table, quietly drinking tea. As Epps began eating, his eyes became wide. The meal was amazing! Soft, silky chicken in a savoury and spicy marinade which melted in his mouth. Sam was ripping into his chicken as well, entranced by the flavor. Michaela, on the other hand, had already finished her serving. Lennox had begun eating, slowly but surely. Secretly, he enjoyed the food as well. Suddenly, a strange feeling echoed through Sam. Jolts of electricity rocketed through his body, making it impossible for him to sit still. Next to him, Lennox began to twitch. Whatever the heck was in that chicken, it wasn't good for him. It was delicious, but...odd. It sure made him jumpy.

"Wang, what did you put in the food?"

Wang smiled. "A certain secret ingredient."

"What?"

A clang was suddenly heard. Michaela, who had been calmly sitting next to Sam suddenly jumped up and screamed. She seemed to have been affected by the meal, and was now jumping around, as if on a sugar high. She bounded over to Lennox, and pulled him up, flinging him against a wall. Lennox recovered quickly, and joined in with Michaela's insanity. Lennox, having a sudden realization of what he was doing, started yelling at Wang, "Whatdidyouputinthechickenitsmakingmegocrazyhelpme Icantstop!"

Wang smiled sheepishly, drinking his tea while guffawing slightly.

Sam suddenly screeched as he felt a particularly strong reflex jolt hit him. Jumping up and demolishing part of the table, he began to hyperventilate.

"WangIamgoingtokillyou!"

Wang smiled. That blue liquid was doing wonders. He thought about where he could get more. A very small amount would definitely help him keep awake at work. Usually, he'd just listen to...Music! Wang sniggered. Pulling out his iPod, he turned the volume up to full blast, he began playing a jaunty dance piece. Almost instantly, the Energon-high group began dancing. Sam even sung.

"They call me Cuban Pete!

I'm the king of the rumba beat!"

Wang laughed raucously. This was going to be a great day...

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_In the next chapter..._

**_Tainted Drinks II: Randy Brandy_**

_Ratchet makes a Synthetic Energon with an aphrodisiac effect._

..."Are you fine?" Optimus asked as he carefully picked Ratchet up.

"You're actually pretty fine yourself."

"What? Ratchet, are you sure you're all right?"

"All right you are..."

Suddenly, Ratchet viciously threw Optimus down to the floor. Pinning him to the ground, Ratchet straddled him, and ghosted a finger over his face just as Optimus was about to protest.

"Shhh...We wouldn't want the others to hear, now would we, Prime?"...

**Stay tuned!**


	2. Randy Brandy

**WARNING**: This chapter contains graphic descriptions of a sexual nature, and is not suitable for younger audiences. Avert your eyes, sparklings!

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**Tainted Drinks II: Randy Brandy**

"This new batch shall be great!"

Ratchet was happy. A rare event for the old mech, he was happy as he had finally finished creating a whole new formula of Synthetic Energon. After numerous fails and many wrenches thrown and broken, Ratchet had finally made a batch which might work. Emptying the fruits of his labour into a huge needle, Ratchet wasted no time shuttering his optics and inserting the needle into his arm.

"Aah!" Looking at the small vitals chart on the monitor which had been hooked up to him, he watched for any changes.

ENERGON LEVEL: +20%

STRENGTH: 30%

BATTLE PROTOCOL ACTIVITY:+30%

At least that didn't increase as much as last time.

SPARK RATE: -10%

"Spark rate down? That's not supposed to..."

*THUNK!*

Ratchet fell down. As he fell down, a certain reading was spat out by the machine.

INTERFACE PROTOCOL ACTIVITY: +200%

Unfortunately he never saw that.

"Are you alright?" Optimus asked as he carefully picked Ratchet up.

"I'm fine...You're actually pretty fine yourself."

"What? Ratchet, are you sure you're all right?"

"All right you are..."

Suddenly, Ratchet viciously threw Optimus down to the floor, sweeping some things off his table. Pinning him to the ground, Ratchet straddled him, and ghosted a finger over his face just as Optimus was about to protest.

"Shhh...We wouldn't want the others to hear, now would we, Prime?"

Smiling venomously, Ratchet attacked Prime's chest plates, sinking his glossa into the seams of the armour. A ripple of pleasure rocked Optimus, and the poor mech suppressed a guilty moan. Damn that Ratchet for being so experienced. Prime was already entranced by Ratchet's magic touch, so delicate, yet with the aggressive hint that was Ratchet's trademark.

"You like that, don't you?"

"No! Ratchet! You're out of your mind!"

And indeed he was. The Energon had made him extremely randy, and feel as if he wanted to frag every mech and femme he saw. He had accidentally made an actual love potion. Holding down Prime, he then began to lick at his neck, while his adventurous servos roamed Prime's frame, going dangerously near his interface panel. Prime growled and tried to push Ratchet off his frame, but the Synth-En had also strengthened him. Ratchet held down Prime and nipped at his neck, a human form of stimulation he found out about on the Internet.

"Primus! Ratchet, where did you..uuunnnggghh!" Prime moaned as he felt Ratchet bite down lovingly. Ratchet smiled, and nibbled Prime's neck to distract him as his roaming hands descended down to his goal, tearing numerous bits of armour off Prime as he did so.

"Ratchet, please!" pleaded Prime, trying to hide the pleasure in his voice. Ratchet took none of that, and slowly pried open the panel, exposing Prime.

"Ooh...What have we here?" Ratchet cooed as he eyed his 'prize'.

"Ratchet! Please!" Optimus was desperate now. He really didn't want this. Again, Ratchet ignored Prime's request and he slowly began to undo sections of his own armour, throwing the pieces over to one side. Ratchet exposed his engorged spike to Prime, and roughly thrust himself into Prime.

"Help me!" yelped Prime in a very un-Prime-like voice. Ratchet hollered happily and jumped up and down on Prime, having a ball of the time. Ratchet reached down and grabbed Prime's spike.

"Your turn to have fun!" yelled Ratchet, inserting Prime's spike into his own valve.

"No...Aauuuggghhh!" screamed Prime. Ratchet whooped as he continued his jumping, slamming into Prime and scratching his armour. The loud noise soon attracted some attention from someone outside.

"Ratchet! Stop trying to kill Prime in there!"

"We've got visitors. I guess we should keep it down...nah. Let them watch." said Ratchet, purposely slamming Prime into the switch that opened the door. Prime flung Ratchet into the storage room just as Lennox stepped into the room. Ratchet tried to get his attention, but Prime quickly shut him up, covering his mouth. Ratchet bit down hard on his hand, making Prime pull his hand away.

"Come here! We're not even done yet!" beckoned Ratchet. Prime saw no other option. He thrust into Ratchet, instantly shutting him up...for a moment. Unfortunately Lennox had already heard.

"What the hell was that?!" yelled Lennox, walking over to the room where Ratchet and Optimus were...you know...Optimus quickly threw something at the door switch, closing the door while Ratchet moaned under him. Lennox quickly moved over to the storage room. Optimus tried to keep it down, but Ratchet was not helping. Ratchet suddenly held onto Prime, and slammed into him, causing him to scream in ecstasy. Prime gritted his denta, trying to suppress his own call of pleasure. A knock on the door could then be heard. Ratchet continued bouncing up and down on Prime, moaning and gasping. Prime was nearing overload. He had to try to keep it down, but it was no use. Prime screamed loudly as he felt the expected wave of energy explode from somewhere inside him.

"GGWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHH!"

The astronomical yell shook the base, in which a small tremor literally brought the basegoers to a standstill. But that was not all. Another scream, this one belonging to Ratchet, followed soon afterwards.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

This time, the base's walls rattled. Ratchet slowly pulled himself out of Prime, and laid next to him, trying to finally pull his mind back down from the high he had just experienced. Luckily, the Synth-En had worn off, and he was back to normal, albeit tired and covered in his and Prime's fluids. Unluckily, someone, namely Lennox, had overridden the door and stepped inside.

"AAAUUUUGGGHHH!"

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_Next chapter..._

**_The Sparks and the Bumblebees_**

_Lennox learns about what goes on behind closed base doors._

...Putting his war to the door, he could hear loud scraping noises, which sounded like metal grinding against another piece of metal. And was that a moan? Lennox pulled his ear away, perplexed at the odd sounds coming from inside the Medbay. Maybe it was just because of the 'rude' part of his mind, but that moan definitely sounded like it came from someone who was having...

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**Please leave a review!**


	3. The Sparks An The Bees

**WARNING: **Another chapter with with themes of smut and stickiness. Not recommended for sparklings!

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**Tainted Drinks III: The Sparks An The Bees**

It had been a relatively normal day for Lennox. Well, as normal as working with Autobots could get. All in all, it had been a nice, slow-paced day with little Decepticon activity. Moving past to the bot's Medbay to get to another room, he heard a loud crash coming from the door at the side of him. Putting his ear to the door, he could hear loud scraping noises, which sounded like metal grinding against another piece of metal. And was that a moan? Lennox pulled his ear away, perplexed at the odd sounds coming from inside the Medbay. Maybe it was just because of the 'rude' part of his mind, but that moan definitely sounded like it came from someone who was having...

"Aauuugh!" Another yelp emanated from the room. This yelp sounded like it belonged to Ratchet. He sounded a bit muffled, and his voice had the tiniest tint of...was that _pleasure_? What the hell was going on in there? Lennox jumped as another loud thump and a groan shook the base. This time, the voice belonged to...Optimus! Lennox really thought this time. However, the only thing he could think of which wasn't..._that_...was...

"Ratchet! Stop trying to kill Prime in there!"

A mumble could be heard through the base doors, which Lennox made out as 'Let them watch'. Lennox's eyes widened.

"No, NO! Don't think about that!"

Lennox was now literally fighting himself not to think of 'those' thoughts. He could just picture Ratchet on top of Optimus, his hands slowly making their way down to...

"Damnit!" Lennox threw his head into the wall of the Medbay. Just then, the doors to the Medbay opened. Lennox cautiously stepped inside, trying to keep his thoughts on the 'tame' side. Raising his head to have a better view of the room, Lennox's eyes widened. Something had definitely happened in there. The room was wrecked. The large table where Ratchet and Wheeljack usually conducted their odd experiments was barren, and shattered pieces of glass littered the floor. Many indistinguishable liquids covered the floor in a rainbow of colour, probably from the broken flasks and jars, although a certain glistening silver liquid in the midst of it caught his attention. Pieces of armour belonging to Ratchet and Prime littered the ground. The armour had been beaten up and scratched, which further fueled Lennox's theory of a fight between the giants. However, there was just too much of it! It was as if the bots had literally STRIPPED the armour of each other! _Stripped_...Of all the words he could have used! He could have used ripped! Or tore! Lennox thought to himself 'I am definitely missing my wife...'. Pushing away the rather...perverse...thought away, Lennox stood up. Noticing some movement to the left, Lennox followed it, only to hear the sound of the door to the storage room shut. Getting tired of this game of Detective, Lennox entered the override codes to the door, the codes which he had stolen from Morshower, and opened the door. And what a sight he saw! Lennox was frozen to his spot at the spectacle he saw. Ratchet was on top of Optimus, arms around him, writhing and moaning passionately, screaming and panting incoherently. Optimus was pinned under him, screeching and resisting Ratchet. They smashed into the ground, pounding each other heavilty, leaving dents and scratches in their armour and the room. Lennox tried to avert his eyes, but failed. He was so shocked that he was literally frozen to the spot! His eyes began to roam, and found them slowly moving down past Prime's hands, and nearing his waist. Lennox knew what his eyes were doing, but before he could scream, someone else screamed.

"GGWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHH!"

Lennox mentally jumped a meter into the air. His eyes had reached their goal, and he was now being mentally scarred. Badly...

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lennox then saw the two pull out of each other, a silver, sticky liquid covering a certain area of them, dripping slowly off their frames. Lying on their sides, Lennox copped an eyeful of their...equipment. Lennox's mental trauma had got the better of him, and as a result, he let out a loud, high-pitched scream, which sent another shockwave around the already shaken base.

"AAAUUUUGGGHHH!"

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_Next chapter..._

**Tainted Drinks IV: 'High' Grade**

_Bee discovers crack. Now will it make a good High Grade cocktail?_

"...Bee looked at the small white package meant for the FBI. Picking it up, he realized the contents were a fine powder, which made him feel woozy when he smelt it. It had the same effect as High Grade, which really got the young Autobot thinking..."

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**As usual, LEAVE A REVIEW!**


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